I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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