Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
