When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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