Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
