I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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