theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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