These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
