So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
