everyone is single if you try hard enough
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
