Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
