dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
