The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize