Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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