Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
