If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
