Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
