can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
