found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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