He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
