I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize