I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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