In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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