I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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