so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize