She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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