Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
tell me about the eggs
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
