I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
