I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize