btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
