if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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