I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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