listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
