Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
