Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize