I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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