you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
