I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
