so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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