YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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