her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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