apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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