I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
