I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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