I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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