please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
