I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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