I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So many bounce houses so little time
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
