all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize