I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
