so that wasnt chicken after all
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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