the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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