What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
