Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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