Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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