It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize