so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
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