I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
