I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
