shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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