chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
