In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
