he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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