I'm drive I can fine osifer
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Did I show you my penis last night?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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