I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
