I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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