Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
