Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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