FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
