So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
