Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
