Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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